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User talk:MisterYenz
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:01, September 30, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story There are quite a lot of issues here. I'll try to cover the larger ones like capitalization, punctuation, run-on sentences, and plot issues. Capitalization: "I spent a good few minutes running while shooting some combine (Combine) that got in my way", "On the right the sewer tunnels continued along with several combine (Combine) soldiers in the way but behind them was some kind of weapon", etc. You also have a tendency to improperly capitalize words after dialogue ends. "you are facing judgement for the treachery you have brought our institution and everything we stand for(.)” then (Then) the man", "revoked(period missing)” next (Next) it transitioned to a cut scene (cutscene) of Gordon’s suit falling away piece by piece then it cut to a laboratory where Gordon was lying on an operating table with all sorts of strange wires and tubes shoved in his body, Watching (sic) over the table", etc. Punctuation: A lot of times you are missing punctuation when it's needed in dialogue and in sentence structure. "“Gordon(comma missing) you are facing judgement for the treachery you have brought our institution and everything we stand for(.)” then (Then) the man", "Your right to the Hazard Suit has been revoked(.)”, “Don’t worry Mr.REDACTED, he will be quite alright after the transformation(.)”, etc. Run-on sentences: There are quite a lot of run-on sentences that should be broken up. "Have you ever been in a dream-like state? I can best describe my experience as one of times I was asleep but there are also moments where I woke up a few times in the night but never really could get my bearings, all I could make out in my room before falling back to sleep was the fact that it seemed close to pitch dark except for the light of my computer’s power button and a faint green glow from my keyboard and mouse to the ceiling.", "I was playing what seemed like a Half-Life game that took place in a line of sewer tunnels running from what I don’t know. I spent a good few minutes running while shooting some combine that got in my way but for some reason I didn’t really seem to take any damage but I could smell a horrible stench lurking around but given the area I was in, I shrugged it off for the time being, another detail that seemed a little off was the fact that there was no HUD of any kind, just the gun in my hands, I came up to a point where there were two options to turn… to the left I saw a glass room with some kind of reactor similar to the one seen in HL2 Ep.1 but in front of it were three pedestals the one in the middle being the highest and standing on top of them were three men in black robes.", etc. Formatting: The fourth paragraph in particular needs to be broken up. A typical paragraph is 5-10 sentences. This is done to help story flow and make text easier to read. It is also common to space out dialogue so two speakers are never on the same paragraph ("“Gordon you are facing judgement for the treachery you have brought our institution and everything we stand for” ''then the man on the third pedestal yelled ''“You have committed heresy to doctrine” ''finally the man on the third pedestal spoke… ''“Your right to the Hazard Suit has been revoked”"). This is done to prevent misattribution and also aid in story flow. Story issues: The story feels rushed in places. With lines like this: "I turned right and eventually got what was like an alien pulse weapon of some sort. I was able to fire a few shots before getting knocked out from behind." it feels like more time should be spent building up these events to make the scene more effective. For example, what was he shooting at, what did the gun look like, etc. Story issues cont.: The inclusion of Molly Doll really comes out of nowhere (“You’ve been fucked by the Molly Doll Game”) and it feels like you tried to combine three genres into one (a video game, a dream, and a haunted doll story) without really making any connect up in the story. They seem like random elements as I really can't figure out why the Molly Doll is appearing in a dream about Half-Life 2. Story issues cont.: It seems like you're trying to set up a series, but really since the story doesn't reach any real conclusion the ending feels unfinished and ineffective ("that is a story for another time… until then the game continues, it may be different next time and it may even have a different name but one things for sure, it hasn’t ended.") There are other issues here, but I think that's a good starting point. I would suggest revising your story and taking it to the writer's workshop once the series is completed to smooth out any possible issues. Best of luck to you in your writing. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:37, September 30, 2017 (UTC) :No problem. As it was previously deleted, any revised versions need to go through our deletion appeal or get approval from any admin. I'd suggest before making an appeal, you use the writer's workshop as it's the best place to get feedback and revise your story before submitting. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:19, October 1, 2017 (UTC)